Don’t Know Where to Start

I haven’t written in my blog for a year and a half.

Everyday, I try to take steps towards my ultimate goal of changing careers and geographically repositioning myself, and yet I see very little progress. I have gone to resume classes, attended job fairs, and reached out to recruiters. And here I am, still an events and meetings planner in New Jersey.

Some notable improvements in my life stem from my decision to exercise again, the choice to read books over watching TV and my dedication to writing more frequently. Although it hasn’t been via my blog platform, I have taken to journaling. I even significantly cut down on spending, allowing myself to slowly save for my one, frugal vacation a year.

All of these decisions have mildly helped clear my mind and refocus my energy. I check my work email on my phone less frequently, try not to work as much overtime (says the girl who just submitted her timesheet for 86 hours) and even push back on traveling for projects I am not associated with. I am finally standing up for myself and taking control back of my life, although in the form of microscopic, hardly recognizable, baby steps.

My evenings are comprised of tweaking my cover letter, scouring Indeed, LinkedIn, and TeamWork Online and sneaking in some football or baseball until I drift off to bed. While both awake and asleep, I often dream of what life might one day be and what it once was.

My extensive work travel recently brought me to the mountains of Ojai, California. When I am surrounded by such beauty, I wonder “why don’t I live somewhere majestic and tranquil? Why do I live in New Jersey, the Garden State?” By the way, I have yet to see one garden in the four years that I have lived here. It was difficult to adjust to the pace in Ojai. Even waiting five minutes for my coffee order to be taken was painful. I allocated only three minutes of my morning to this, leaving me entirely off kilter. It’s hard to slow down and smell the roses, when your life revolves around agendas, schedules and keeping to a script.

I find that when I travel to these fairytale lands I think “that was beautiful while it lasted, back to the grind on Monday”. But people live in these places. They are not just for vacationers to drop by and admire. There are permanent residents in Ojai, London, Chicago, Rome, New York City, Berlin, Tokyo, Sydney and the list goes on. If others can figure out how to live there, shouldn’t I be able to as well?

I do think part of me is scared. Where I grew up and where I live now are both very traditional. The life goal is to go to college, get a well paying job, get married, buy a house and have babies. I haven’t done most of these, which naturally makes me feel like I am well short of everyone’s expectations. For goodness sake, I keep getting targeted ads on Instagram to freeze my eggs. Are you kidding me?

I want to live where I want to live, do what I want to do and be who I want to be, but the world doesn’t seem ready for me. Until that day comes, I will continue to pay half my salary to rent my apparent, ironically situated on top of a bridal shop, while counting baby strollers and reading adds reminding me that I am getting old and certainly no less single.

Tomorrow will be my birthday month. Each year, I say “it will be different now that I am (fill in the blank age).” But will it? Here’s to hoping that my teeny, tiny steps add up to something in year 31.

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~ by wanderlust1011 on October 1, 2018.

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